Blog Restart and Updates

One of this year's birthday resolutions was to blog every Sunday and three weeks later, I am making that happen for the first time. One of the tough things about starting over on this blog is organizing my thoughts and having a coherent topic, so screw that. Here are some random updates.

First of all, as my graduation gift to myself, I went to Kripalu for an Art and Yoga Teacher Training with Hari Kirin Kaur Khalsa, which was fantastic. I was initially intimidated by the traditionalness of Kundalini Yoga, but Hari Kirin has a certain glow or an aura or something of welcome and kindness and I loved it: chanting, meditating, yogaing (kundalini is really hard, by the way), singing (!!!) and art-making. On the last day we made our 40 day art and yoga plan which I have tried and often slacked on, but it is in my heart and I will keep working at making art and yoga a regular part of everyday. Expect to read more about this. Here is some artwork...

Painting from the workshop: "A New Relationship"

From my Art and Yoga Sketchbook

Watercolor after a yoga - run - yoga - meditation combo

My art life has been slacking recently and my physical life has been intense. There was a time before grad school that I was pretty hardcore into my physical life and that must be some sort of natural part of who I am, because now that I have the time, it's back. I am training for a half marathon and a trapeze show! Yes, a trapeze show! I am the least experienced person in it, so I feel compelled to work extra hard to get things as right as possible and not look like a big goober. This is not quite getting things right, but it is so fun and freeing and I cannot get enough of swinging and flying. This is my idea of self-care.

 

Back End Straddle

Work continues to go well. I've had some learning opportunities and successes to share in future posts. Currently, my guys are working on a strengths-based film. We just started, but they seem pretty interested so far, as is my director, so I hope that intervention goes well... More on that later.

I made my resolutions for this year of my life and the list is ridiculous!!! I was looking at past lists and I normally hit almost all my goals each year. I am okay with having intentions that aren't quite reachable, because even if I only get to 50%, I'm still growing. Even as I write this, I am trying to decide how much I should make my goals public, because it's a pretty demanding list I have created.

Alright, this is the gist:
1. Keep space neat.
2. Be proactive about getting things done on time.
3. Organize the basement (I'm still working on that studio space and it is in bad shape right now).
4. Take counseling exam.
5. DBT training (if I can afford it; work doesn't pay for trainings they don't provide).
6. Read at least 20 of the books I own.
7. Practice yoga at least 6 days per week.
8. Get job teaching yoga again.
9. Run 20 miles per week.
10. Art (visual, music or writing) daily.
11. Fly unassisted.
12. Develop a budget.
13. Pay off my credit card.
14. Clean up my etsy shop and try harder to sell stuff.
15. Donate an afghan in my mom's honor.
16. Write in my blog every Sunday.

This was my birthday list and I am making progress so far and feeling good about hacking away at this thing.

If you got this far, thanks for reading my update. Next time I hope to make the post more relevant to art therapy. Please stay tuned.

Life is Good

I haven't posted in awhile out of not having artwork to include. So, without further ado, here are some bracelets I made from some of my beads.

 

I have been enjoying making beads and jewelry the past two or three weeks, but it's just a relaxation tool and not especially newsworthy. After watching millefiori videos on youtube and reading The Art of Polymer Clay Millefiori Technique by Donna Kato, I have started to try my hand at more elaborate work. This may be hard to believe, but I am not instantly awesome at this. Here is a poorly-produced image of my first attempt...

Artistically, playing with this stuff is what I have been into, but that's not actually what I want to write about, because personally and professionally everything is so incredibly great I can't believe it. I want to give a shout out to life in general.

So allow me to use the remainder of this post to revel in the wonderfulness that is my life right now. 

I really love my job and even though I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants and don't know what I'm doing almost all of the time, I must have inherited good instincts along the way or am just getting really lucky, because I'm getting lots of positive feedback, making new friends with my coworkers and establishing useful therapeutic connections with my guys. I'm not a believer in fate, but the appropriateness of where I am now and who I am working with based on my life experiences of the last several years is ridiculous. Although this was not what I wanted to do if I had been given the choice in May, it was the right fit and I am reminded of this almost daily with a "no way" sort of moment.

Personally, having been through a rough few years both going through school while working and all of the loss, I feel so free. I've been working on getting myself in order financially with my house improvements soon to follow. I'm trying new things physically and I'm having a lot of fun in my off time: skating and trapezing. I've always lived on the further end of happy while simultaneously feeling a little out of place and awkward. Lately though, it's like all of the pieces came together, even the awkward ones to make everything just right. 

I feel good.

Living with Intensity

This post is brought to you by serendipity. This weekend I have been thinking about the potential value in living an intentionally dialectic/bipolar life as well as questioning how to give the guys I work with an intense physical outlet for intense emotions. These thoughts are coming together based on a series of conversations, emotions and events.

The past week at work included hearing some tough stories and playing a role in some tough decisions as well as a boost in awareness of the seriousness of my job. While being a kind of "holder of horrors" is by no means boring, it's also not really all that pleasant. By Friday last week, I was toast: burned and a little sad.

Coincidentally, I had an amazing weekend planned that happened to be far outside my normal methods of blowing off steam: pure physicality, adrenaline and a hefty dose of absolute terror. First, I did this...

My First Trapeze Lesson

I was shocked when I saw this video, because this didn't feel like it looks at all. It felt a little awkward and very scary. I shook. I felt dizzy. I thought I might throw up and it was all amazing. I dropped every other stressor I have ever had. There was nothing else in the universe but my body, fear and the rush of pushing through extremes. 

On Sunday I trained with the local roller derby team. The last time I wore quad skates, they had Cabbage Patch Dolls on the sides, so again I was awkward, a little scared and forced to focus on nothing but my body and not smashing my teeth in. It was awesome. I don't actually do roller derby, but what I think is great about it is the release of an alter-ego. One can do her yoga, her human-services job or volunteer during the day, be of a gentle-mind and carry the weight of others' trauma then come derby time become someone named Sadie Masochist, wear a helmet with skulls and blood, elbow other women in the ribs while moving at high speeds, laugh and compare bruises later. We don't get a lot of appropriate outlets for rage and the giant emotions in our culture. Maybe we should... Maybe intense emotions call for intense sensations and it's just a matter of finding something that allows a release without making things worse. Intensity can be a good thing.

Therapy-wise, I have been trying to notice when my guys have the roughest times as well as noticing the intensity of coping tools don't usually match the intensity of an emotion or behavior and therefore really take a whole lot of self-awareness and control, which my guys don't often have, to work. I'm wondering about finding activities, artistic and otherwise, that lend themselves to huge feelings. Something that is safe and doable but big.

An Adolescent Group Intervention One

Okay, back to our regular scheduled programming...

A couple of years ago when I was doing my internship with adolescents. My fellow intern and I were co-leading (unsupervised) and had a curriculum to follow (we didn't make it) and it was failing. The kids had been there long enough that many of them had already done it plus they were not ready for the work it involved in the first place or at least they weren't gonna play along on this with 1st year interns (talking about their behaviors, trauma, emotions...) It was pretty much a total nightmare and the rookies running the show (us) were getting eaten alive every single group.  We absolutely could not get to the information of the group, because following the curriculum resulted in chaos and power struggles from the first minute. It was a bad scene.

We talked about it with our supervisors and finally my supervisor (also the director of the program) said, "Drop it. Do something else until they are ready." So we did. This is what we came up with and it was AMAZING. My co-intern and I were doing high fives and body slams after this. (Okay, we didn't really do any body slamming, but I was feeling that Superbowl Sunday pumped and I think she was too.) It was the best group we had all year.

So, here's what happened: we decided we needed to talk about respect, because there wasn't a whole lot of that going on. So, we said it in song. We googled respect lyrics, looking for something other than R.E.S.P.E.C.T and got this from Train:

For reasons I don't know I treated you so cold
I wish I had those times again
Cause something that you said keeps ringing in my head
Someday you're gonna wanna come back and you're gonna wanna treat me fine

Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little time
Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little

I watched me push you down in dreams I had of you
And all I remember about those days is I would run around thinking that you'd be alright
But you lost your light along the way
And oh you were right about the things I'd say
Cause if I had it back again I know I'd treat you kind

Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little time
Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little time
Everybody got to have somebody
Everybody got to have someone

And all I ever wanted from this play
Was someone to talk to when I get down
It seems you get the things you give along the way
Now all I need is one more chance to make you feel like hanging round

Everybody needs a little
Everybody needs a little
Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little time
Everybody needs a little respect
Everybody needs a little time
Everybody got to have someone

We gave them all double-sided photocopies. One side had this, the other side had some really simple sentence completion in a poetry format. It was just something we threw together like,

To me respect is ________________________.
I feel respected when people ________________________.
I wish everyone _______________________.
etc.

We read the lyrics together and then invited them to either write their own lyrics/poem about respect or fill in the sentences. Then we had a little poetry open mic and discussion about how we all want to be treated. The gods smiled down upon the baby interns and their group that day, because the kids LOVED it. They. Loved. It. THEY LOVED IT! Words cannot express the beauty of this moment I swear to you. If it wouldn't have been poor boundaries, I would have kissed the forehead of every person in the room that day. I got so excited I said, "I am so amazed by how well you guys write (TRUE!). I think we need to make a book with this stuff!" and they thought so too and wanted to bring in more poetry, create art for the book on their own time etc... they lost interest in this later, but I think if we leaders had been a little less rookie and a little more creative, we might have been able to maintain a sense of excitement about that project and worked the curriculum we were supposed to follow into this... maybe.

After reading Contemporary Art Therapy with Adolescents, I think part of the success of this had to do with not only appealing to their interests (they like to write), but also we were not directing this at them. This wasn't about "tell me how you should be respectful and lets review group rules (snore)" but more like, "hey what do you think about respect?" According to Shirley Riley, teens do better when asked about a topic in general terms and don't do so well if asked about their own weaknesses and thoughts due to the natural narcissistic developmental stage.

The kids also noted how great the group had been which allowed us to discuss what they thought had made that happen and how we could have more awesome groups.

The Sketchiness of Last Post

Okay, here is the final project I was working on last week for my Art Therapy and Social Action class.

The inspiration came from the first two principles of Buddhist Psychology: "1. See the inner nobility and beauty of all human beings and 2. Compassion is our deepest nature. It arises from our interconnection to all things" (Kornfield, 2009), a guided pair meditation of looking into the eyes of another to increase empathy, Hiu Lui Ng (making me realize the need for people not objectifying another and treating as object) and the artist Isaiah Zagar.

It's about getting to know one another through looking into another person's eyes and hearing his/her story, a social action of connection if you will.

I envisioned this as a large mural with hundreds of eyes and stories. My artistic response was a smaller version of the eyes and stories of people in my house. 

Still sketchy? Probably. My ability to write decreases with rising temperatures and beautiful weather I think. In the meantime, here's the trailer for In a Dream, the documentary about Isaiah Zagar. 

He makes me want to take a road trip to Philadelphia this summer. 

Grief Flags

I may have made up the title, "Grief Flags" just now. In reality, these are called "Prayer Flags" if you're sorta religious and "Peace Flags" if you are not. My flags are not about prayer or peace, but about loss, so I'm renaming them.

The original Tibetan concept of these things is that you hang the flags out at a certain time of the year (I think February, but I'm not really sure) and they blow around and fall apart for a year or so. The flags have prayers written on them and as they fall apart the words are released into the air where the gods can hear them. If you want to know more about Prayer Flags go here. It makes a lot of sense to apply this to writing to someone lost.

I made some of these to my mom, which is probably a really sacrilegious thing to do, but since I am sorta sacrilegious anyway, it worked out well. For my process, I did pay attention to the color symbolism and order, making something about the writing or design apply to space, wind, fire, water, earth, but otherwise was pretty liberal in how I made and used these.

I felt it was important to sew these a little, since my mom was a quilter, but also important that they be able to shred in the breeze, so there are no knots or hems. I used fabric paint and markers and transferred photographs in places. Everything was done by hand, so this project took awhile.

Fire Flag
This is a picture of my mom in high school.
The music is hand drawn and a copy of Friedrich Kuhlau's Sonatina in C, Op. 20 No.1
My mom used to play this.

(This is not my mom! But, the music sounds like this.)

Through doing this I felt like I was honoring my mother, but also realized two important things that were good for my grief process. The first was that I didn't have any unfinished business with my mother. Everything I wanted to write on these, were things we had already discussed before she died. Secondly, I became aware that even though my mother's death was unfair on many levels: most people don't lose parents at my age and the cause of her death was not supposed to happen and therefore extremely torturous for everyone, I wouldn't have traded my experiences of daughterhood for anyone else's. This helped me move into a place of greater acceptance. It is really difficult not to accept even the worst of circumstances when you realize you don't want to live in another person's shoes.

On a technical note. These flags are holding up AMAZING! There was some discolored dripping from the rain, but not a lot. Very little fading. And they're not falling apart all that much either.

Last Flag and a moment of awareness for me.

Boundaries of the Job & Crying in Class

Yesterday I had an experience that brought up an important question for me. Is there a limit to our therapist role? When we leave a place of employment for the day, do we go back to being Mr. or Ms. Could-Be-Anyone?

Here's what happened... I was on a train going to class and at one of the stops, a duffel bag flew into the train and crashed against the wall, followed by a man who fell over it and sobbing, banged his head against the walls and punched at the seats. Once the doors closed and we were all locked in there with him, moving at train-speed underground, he stood and said, "Please! Why won't anybody help me. My mother just died. I want to go home. I am going crazy. Please someone help me. I just need to get out of here," and continued by sobbing to god and begging for the reversal of time and return of his mother etc. with his arms waving all around. I don't know if what he said was true or this was a desperate attempt at sympathy for drug money, but true or false, this man was in a state of crisis. I didn't really care what he said. Everyone tried to look away. Passengers near him scootched to further locations and froze.

I didn't scootch and wanted to catch his eye and motion that he could sit with me. I don't know what I intended to say or do, but I felt like I needed to talk to him. His eyes were wild and weeping and although he pleaded to us, he didn't seem to see anyone. So, I stood up and walked over. Even standing right in front of him, it was as if he looked through me while he screamed for anyone to do anything to help him. I felt like a ghost, powerless and invisible. I touched his arm and asked what he needed and he told me a ticket for the commuter train. All I had was one dollar, but I gave it to him. He told me I was the only person who talked to him that day and went back to begging to the god who stole his mother. At the next stop soon after, he got off just like he got on, tossing his bag and then falling on top of it in tears.

I had an intense desire to follow him, but I didn't. I felt like I needed to do something. A person in that state shouldn't be standing near regularly oncoming trains for one thing. I felt like I had a duty to do crisis intervention right there all by my rookie self... Hello Messiah Complex.

While he was on the train, I felt perfectly calm, although unsure what to do in this public, fast-moving place. Once he left I was triggered to my own feelings when I lost my mom and worried that he was about to commit suicide. I felt like puking and bursting into tears all at once. So, I watched my "happy place" music videos and tried to use distraction skills I teach other people in order to keep myself together.

I made it to class, pregnant with sick and sad emotions, but keeping it contained, walked in and burst into tears in front of everyone. Totally not my coolest moment, but an important lesson in vicarious trauma and causing me to question if therapists have a duty to play therapist all the time. It also reminded me I carry my own shit closer to the surface than I would like.

On a happier note. This is my favorite distraction skill happy place video.

I have used "video therapy" as a crisis intervention with adolescents who were not acting unlike this man on the train. Sometimes with teens, "Have you seen the new Black Eyed Peas video? It has robots!" is a phrase that works... not a line I would have tried on train guy, but if you work with kids who have violent tantrums over minor frustrations, an IPod with videos is a great thing to keep in your pocket. It helped me not have a train tantrum this time.

Slacking

I feel like it is time for a more meaningful post, but I have been fighting a cold all weekend and I just don't have it in me, so we're going bloglight again today.

In addition to whining and feeling like utter crap, I donated a sock monkey to an 8th grade Unitarian Universalist fundraiser. Although on the simpler side of things I do with socks, he was a success and won by a little boy who appeared to be about five. His mom brought him over and introduced him after he won so he could tell me how much he liked the monkey and tell me his new friend would be well cared for. I've never met the owner of something I made (outside of gifts of course), so that was kinda cool.

Later other parents expressed their children were heartbroken, so some orders may come from this fundraiser. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's nice to be appreciated and have people willing to pay for things I make, but on the other, getting paid for orders on creativity isn't as much fun perhaps. Sometimes I think I would rather just give things away than get paid for them. I wonder if getting paid to be an art therapist will sometimes feel a little bit the same way. Is helping as rewarding when one gets a paycheck or something cool that becomes just a job?

And because I feel like a slacker, I leave you with this humorous cartoon to help make your visit worthwhile.

National Geographic at My House

Today in spite of heartfelt fake manipulation crying and authentic Californian-in-winter whining on my part, I was unable to convince my significant other to do all of the shoveling while I sat in front of the fire in my pajamas. In the interest of practicing radical acceptance of the great suck that is snow and winter, I found a way to reframe and experience mild enjoyment outside today.

I observed the elusive Sock-Swiping Miniature Australian Shepherd in its natural habitat... my yard.

Witness this: Otis Finnegan Spunkmeyer, aka "Odor" and his pure snow joy.

 

Video Therapy for the Winter Challenged

After decrease of these shenanigans, we (Otis and I) had a still photo shoot with my good camera (above was filmed with a junky point and shoot).

Oh wait, shenanigans maybe not complete...

Documenting this little dog's snow love almost makes me feel better about winter.

Defining Art

My friend and fellow rookie art therapist Aimee posted this on her facebook and it reminds me of a blog topic I have been sitting on: What is art?

So I've read a few books on art and creativity, because it's part of the art therapy grad school deal, but when I read about how art is defined by the snobbish and experienced with a great deal of anxiety and apprehension by the maker I think something along the lines of "What? Come on! Who thinks that? Why? What's the big deal about Art."

I have a pretty casual relationship with Art. We're so close, I wouldn't even call it Art, because that's too formal for the two of us. I'd call Art something like scooter pumpkin pants or sweetums... you know something intimate and gross due to our long love/like-quite-a-bit relationship.

So, what is Art, eh hem... uh, I mean scooter pumpkin pants to me? It's not a product or a practice. It's an emotion. It's a zone. It's like a sense of mania, without any of the trouble-causing parts. It's high energy and productivity focused on expressing something. How that comes out is based on our histories, skills, needs in the moment, available materials or whatever. That means if you hit that high coloring, you're with scooter pumpkin pants. Refinishing hardwood floors... scooter pumpkin pants. Making paella... scooter pumpkin pants. I'm sure some people who make a living creating Art that sells for thousands might find my Art theory completely offensive, but Art is relative in my mind. It's not so much about doing it well as feeling it well.

Good, bad, on exhibit, in the trash... so what? Just make something. Art or scooter pumpkin pants, it's all just semantics anyway.

Something Embarrassing from My Ipod

One of my idols of group leadership is 9-year-old Willow Smith (daughter of Jada Pinkett and Will Smith). Okay, she is 9 and not really educated in group dynamics or theory. In fact, if she got dropped in the middle of my internship, things would probably go quite poorly for the group and Miss Smith. However, there's just something about this video that makes me say, "Yeah, I want to be that!" when I think about an ideal group experience. So far, people haven't come into groups bored and colorless and been transformed into dancing, clapping, happy, hair-whipping people, but this is my intent. I want this.

Video Therapy

Happy Thanksgiving. My household has a Thanksgiving video-making tradition. We ask each other the same 5 questions on film and then review past years' responses to assess how we have changed or review what has happened in our lives previous years.

It got me thinking about ways to use video in therapy. I have used still frame animation in therapy. Here is a YouTube example of someone doing still frame with a white board. I totally want to try this!



You could also use clay, toys, furniture, yourself. Basically it involves moving or changing something in tiny increments, taking a whole lot of photos and putting them together with some basic video editing software. Seems like a good one for working on maintaining focus/attention. I think it could be a fun group project as well.

I also thought about video therapy as a possibility for someone who is physically ill and working on leaving a legacy.

I found video on you tube of a woman using it with patients with Alzheimer's disease. It's a little old, but still useful information.

I read a chapter in Materials & Media in Art Therapy about therapists using video with groups of people who are homeless and HIV positive. I also found this article in Time discussing the use of video to help people gain insight into what they say and how they say it.

Any other thoughts or ideas? Have you used video in your own work?