Living with Intensity

This post is brought to you by serendipity. This weekend I have been thinking about the potential value in living an intentionally dialectic/bipolar life as well as questioning how to give the guys I work with an intense physical outlet for intense emotions. These thoughts are coming together based on a series of conversations, emotions and events.

The past week at work included hearing some tough stories and playing a role in some tough decisions as well as a boost in awareness of the seriousness of my job. While being a kind of "holder of horrors" is by no means boring, it's also not really all that pleasant. By Friday last week, I was toast: burned and a little sad.

Coincidentally, I had an amazing weekend planned that happened to be far outside my normal methods of blowing off steam: pure physicality, adrenaline and a hefty dose of absolute terror. First, I did this...

My First Trapeze Lesson

I was shocked when I saw this video, because this didn't feel like it looks at all. It felt a little awkward and very scary. I shook. I felt dizzy. I thought I might throw up and it was all amazing. I dropped every other stressor I have ever had. There was nothing else in the universe but my body, fear and the rush of pushing through extremes. 

On Sunday I trained with the local roller derby team. The last time I wore quad skates, they had Cabbage Patch Dolls on the sides, so again I was awkward, a little scared and forced to focus on nothing but my body and not smashing my teeth in. It was awesome. I don't actually do roller derby, but what I think is great about it is the release of an alter-ego. One can do her yoga, her human-services job or volunteer during the day, be of a gentle-mind and carry the weight of others' trauma then come derby time become someone named Sadie Masochist, wear a helmet with skulls and blood, elbow other women in the ribs while moving at high speeds, laugh and compare bruises later. We don't get a lot of appropriate outlets for rage and the giant emotions in our culture. Maybe we should... Maybe intense emotions call for intense sensations and it's just a matter of finding something that allows a release without making things worse. Intensity can be a good thing.

Therapy-wise, I have been trying to notice when my guys have the roughest times as well as noticing the intensity of coping tools don't usually match the intensity of an emotion or behavior and therefore really take a whole lot of self-awareness and control, which my guys don't often have, to work. I'm wondering about finding activities, artistic and otherwise, that lend themselves to huge feelings. Something that is safe and doable but big.

Adolescent Group: Failure and Success of the Week

The way groups at my new place of employment work are like this: we have a curriculum that lasts two weeks which covers a single concept. We have groups completely written out for us, but nobody uses them, because we are allowed to wander away from recommendations as long as the kids somehow know how to define the concept at the end of two weeks. At first, I thought two weeks (four groups) for each kid was way too much time to cover a single idea, but I am seeing that my guys do better with repetition, so I am learning to slow down with them.

This past week we started "red flag warning signs." The goal is that the guys will know internal versus external warning signs that precede acting out behavior. I wrote up activities to cover the topic, such as artistic representation of internal warming signs, making comic books of external warning signs, dramatic reenactment and a new version of red light green light. We started with a discussion and artistic representation of internal warning signs... epic failure. I don't know if this is true, but whenever we touch on bodily sensations, my guys claim to have none and give me the blank stare. This could be teens being teens or an honest part of the problem. Bottom line, this was a NO GO. The red light green light was a success with my older guys and okay with the younger group. We took turns naming an internal or external warning sign or neutral experience, not moving if it's a warning or trigger and taking a step forward if it's no problem. Example: "I ride my bike"... everyone who is not triggered by bike-riding steps forward. "Staff yells at me"... nobody moves.

I realized when the guys used my first artistic representation to do something else, look confused and/or refuse all together that I needed to go back and re-plan the rest of my red flag groups. I remembered rule number one about working with teens and realized the problem may have been that I broke it: never ask a teen about himself, especially in a group. Ask about someone else and they'll tell you all you need to know. So, for our next group, we made red flags, gluing red triangles onto sticks and decorating however kids liked (and some of them decorated with actual internal/external triggers, so they did get something from the first group). Then we watched the beginning of Hulk (and will continue to watch for the next week) and held up flags when guys noticed Hulk getting triggered.

I've used The Hulk in therapy before, but this movie is especially great for red flag warnings because he wears a pulse monitor and uses relaxation techniques when he notices his pulse increasing, so the guys can notice internal and external signs in someone else. Most of my guys loved this and did a stellar job noticing and explaining Hulk's warning signs. Also, we talked about why the Hulk doesn't want to lose control (people can get hurt) and there is a great line from Hulk's coach while he is teaching him pranayama, "When we control our body, we control our mind." I think this movie could lead the guys into being more open to learning relaxation techniques beyond deep breathing. Yoga was first developed as a sitting practice for men meant to help one develop super powers and immortality. The guys have a modified yoga practice, but I think if they see Hulk sorta doing it and learn about the history, they might buy into it a little more.

A New Art Journal Begins

For the past several weeks I have intended to be intentional about artistic processing, but that's only been going on in my mind... briefly. Who is this working person who works? Who comes home and sits around? Who feels tired at zumba class, tired at yoga class, tired at Michael's and Joann Fabrics and Ultrecht? This person who works and sits right here in this very seat and sleeps down the hall a few feet away? How quickly routine can make one boring.

Well, maybe it's not routine. I think it's an unbalanced routine. It's the all-work-and-no-play routine. I am a few weeks into a job and missing the routine of past jobs when I included other events in my life rather than being consumed (but happy, make no mistake) at work and then feeling too tired to care about anything else. It's summer and summer is far too brief where I live. It needs to be celebrated, nay worshiped,  before one must wrap oneself away and huddle in front of a space heater for what feels like eternity.

Therefore, this week's artistic processing is about all the things that should be growing in my garden, so to speak. It's intentionally simple, because I just wanted to figure out what is important to me and what fits. After this stage, I also wrote on it, because that is how I roll when I am processing, but that's sorta private, so I leave you to guess what everything represents. I'm not sure what to call it yet.

Also, I have a new "art journal." It's in the form of a little binder so if ever I feel the need to make an artistic response in the moment while working with someone, I can just have one sheet at a time, so I can honor the person I am with and not have all this other stuff connected to it. Plus, adolescents are pretty into getting all up in one's business and having a book of drawings may result in requests to exhibit said book of drawings. Artistic responses may be therapeutic on occasion, whipping out all my business however, not so much.

Kirigami

Another great week down. I started running groups on my own, did some individual work and wrote my first reports. My days of making up things to do at work are over, which in some ways is too bad, because I occasionally come up with good ideas during moments of invented busywork.

Among my personal missions is the task of decorating my office space. This has been a work in progress for the past week, because as the only art therapist on the premises, a girl has to represent (within guidelines). Although my clients will not spend much time hanging out in my office (I also have my own group room), it needs to have the aura of artsy adolescence to inspire creativity as well as a sense of someone who just might be fun, playful and cool enough to talk to. And, above all else, it has to be cheap, because those student loans (aka the other mortgage) are starting to roll in. Therefore, I am making everything that goes in there. I painted my bulletin board. I made a zentangle quilt for the top of my filing cabinet and I am slowly adding handmade toys to a shelf on my wall.

The experiment of this weekend is kirigami. Like origami, kirigami is folded paper, however, rather than starting with a square, kirigami is cut. The work of this weekend is also in response to a particular student and his power animal.

For more information and kirigami animal patterns like this one, see Kirigami Menagerie by Hiroshi Hayakawa.

Building Relationship

A couple of recent monkeys building their relationship

Wow! It's practically been a month and I am only now just beginning to have somewhat a sense of routine. With that being said, it is my renewed intent to post each weekend, now that I have a mild grasp on my life and career.

For now, this is what it has been like to be a brandy-newbie art therapist... I still have done very little "theraping," which is probably a good thing for any new staff member. Instead, I have been following people around, going to the 942 different types of meetings, reading my caseload files and beginning to write a report on one of my guys based on past reports and interview with his interim therapist. As of Monday, I am the official real deal therapist: I am running my groups, doing individual sessions and that report is due for me to present (!). In my mind, the best way to take advantage of this semi-down time was to plan future groups, read up on the population and theories of working with them and try to help my guys feel more comfortable with me.

The great thing about this week was the students were on vacation from school and therapy, but the rest of the staff was not, which meant it was expected I go to their residence a few hours this week and just hang out. How perfect to just talk to and play games with clients with no underlying goals! And, perfect timing for me! I played catch, brought bocce and a guitar to teach a couple new chords to a kid who likes to play.

The week before their vacation I took the initiative to hold an impromptu group with my guys and ask them what they have done in therapy, what they have liked and what they don't like, so I could organize my plans around keeping them engaged. I also explained to them what art therapy is, asked if they had any questions of me and concerns or hopes for future therapy. I left them with a folder of things to do over their week off during down time. The folder had copies of coloring pages, drawing instructions and paper model cars. It was a big hit! It probably had no less than 50 pages in it and I had to refill it midweek. When I walk in the house now, some of the kids and staff are often busy making something from the folder and my fellow clinician/office mate copied it for her house too, which is pretty good for my self esteem.

So, if you need to invest in something adolescent boys like, these are my recommendations based on their favorites in the folder I made: Paper Cars by Sam Atwal, Gargoyles and Medieval Monsters Coloring Book by A.G. Smith, Hidden Fur by Adam Turner. They also love directions for drawing cartoons etc. and I am still on the lookout for the best drawing resource for them. I noted staff using pages from the Mystical Mandala Coloring Book by Alberta Hutchinson. I love, love, love that staff is using stuff too, because they have a lot of burnout and need their coping tools, it is great modeling for the boys and it sorta helps me feel like I'm creating a relationship with staff, which is really important.

Paper Car

Also, as the first and only art therapist at my facility, requesting supplies was accomplished from my to-do list as well. However, the red tape for a new budget is a process. Luckily, it is back to school time and Target has cheap supplies for pennies. Yesterday I spent $28 on a ton of stuff that will hopefully get me through a month or two.

Here's my new group therapy kit (and there's more!)

Not the quality I would like, but it will do. I don't know if I will get reimbursed, because I kinda went off my own and did this when I noticed the sales, but $28 is a small price to pay for comfort in doing my job.

My First Week

Last week I trained with the residential staff and met my new patients. Next week I will be hanging out with my new supervisor, the director that has been covering my job, the social worker who shares my caseload and the other clinical staff. I will be getting to know my new office space (which I will likely need help finding again tomorrow morning) and reading samples of the reports I will be writing as well as the files of the guys I will be helping. My head is cluttered with my thoughts and feelings about this new professional journey.

Like my last supervisor, my new supervisor is a provider of literature, which is a tactic I appreciate. This weekend's reading has been Parts Work and A Shining Affliction, plus several articles. Both books are definitely worth reading and bring me to the art processing and sense-making of the week.

Parts Work is about Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, which lends itself really well to guess what... SoulCollage! (See this previous post on previous SoulCollage thoughts -- I was not a fan.) In really poor summary, Parts Work is about making friends with subpersonalities, recognizing their history and purpose and channeling this in ways that help us function at our best. Subpersonalities or "Parts"make more sense as SoulCollage than SoulCollage makes as SoulCollage, so I decided to make a couple based on my own subpersonalities that have been most active this week.

Mr. Ineptitude

Ms. Can-Do-Attitude

In short, this week has been a mix of thoughts like, "I don't know if I can do this," combined with, "Yeah, I am so excited to be doing this!" and a pinch of "I may have been made to do this!" I'm terrified, feeling incompetent, totally stoked and like the fates are smiling down on me and my new patients all at the same time. Good week.

The Morning of the First Day!!!

It is the morning before I start my real job and I have over an hour before I leave (45 minutes earlier than I need to) so I thought this would be a good time to get out my last thoughts as a non-working art therapist.

I had a dream this morning that I haven't quite figured out yet, but it's definitely related. I was doing therapy for the first time with a thin dark-haired adolescent boy. He was pretty resistant, either said nothing or that everything was great, like I think it typically goes with adolescents who don't trust their therapists yet. Because it was a dream, part of my job was to walk him home, and of course, he lived in the neighborhood where I also grew up. In fact, he lived at the end of my street. So, we're out of the therapeutic space and we're walking and he tells me he has something he needs to talk about right when we're almost to his house. I know I am supposed to have good boundaries and only see him for an hour, but I ask him if he wants some extra time to talk about it. I'm flattered that this kid seems about to open up, curious about what he has to say and concerned that if I let the moment pass he will clam up again the net time I see him. I ask him if he wants to take some time to talk right then, but he says, "No, next time." He gives me a flower that looks like this one that I just stole from the internet...

and he says "I lied about one of these things." When I take the flower, it has words written on the inside of the petals. I recognize it as something he made with his last therapist (who I know was male, I don't know why that would be relevant, but I'm adding it anyway). Each petal has a single word written in black and the kid pulls out the petal that says, "happy," before he goes back into his home. I know this kid is telling me he isn't the everything-is-great-show he has been putting on and I feel sad for him. I go back to some other old artwork the last therapist left. It is a drawing of his life in black and red marker, but everything is positive sounding and generic. I still don't know him.

This leaves me a few minutes to state my hopes and fears about my new job. My hope is that I love my new patients/clients/residents/kids (I don't know what to call them yet) and am excited about everyday I get to spend with them. I hope I am always motivated to help them and willing to do my homework to learn everything I can to help them come to terms with their lives. I hope the people I work with are friendly and supportive. I hope they're willing to be open to the first art therapist on staff at this facility and offer guidance without squishing me so early in the game. I fear politics and getting used, because I'm eager. Most of all, I'm afraid I won't like my patients/clients/residents/kids and will dread driving into work everyday.


In the meantime, check out what I made this weekend! Not only do these monkeys have faces (painted... a new sock monkey technique for me), but they also have lucky bellies and wings.